Tag Archives: FunnyStuff

Monkey Jokes!

Here are two more funny stories from www.write101.com:

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.

As the moment came closer NASA’s mission control centre announced, “This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!”

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle’s engines ignited and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later NASA’s mission control centre announced, “This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!”

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later mission control announced, “This is mission control to Astronaut…”

At this the astronaut responded, “I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don’t touch anything.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A gorilla was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing. The gorilla roared,” Who is the king of the jungle?”

The deer replied, “Oh, you are, Master.”

The gorilla walked off, pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. The gorilla roared, “Who is the king of the jungle?”

The zebra replied, “Oh, you are, Master.”

The gorilla walked off again, pleased. Then he came across an elephant, “Who is the king of the jungle?” he roared. With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him.

The gorilla got up off the ground and said, “OK, OK, there’s no need to get mad just because you don’t know the answer.”

Tee hee hee. Have a great day! 8-)

An Old Favorite for a Weekend Giggle

Here’s another classic goodie from www.write101.com’s newsletter:

I halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plane lee marques four my revue
Miss steaks aye ken knot sea

Eye ran this poem threw it
Your sure reel glad two no
It’s vary polished in it’s weigh
My chequer tolled me sew

A chequer is a bless sing
It freeze yew lodes of thyme
It helps me awl stiles two reed
And aides mi when aye rime

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud
And wee mussed dew the best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud

And now bee cause my spelling
is checked with such grate flare
Their are know faults with in my cite
Of nun eye am a wear

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed to be a joule
The chequer poured o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule

That’s why aye brake in two averse
My righting wants too pleas
Sow now ewe sea wye aye dew prays
Such soft wear for pea seas
8-)

How I Spent My Holiday — “Grandpa Got Retarded”

Another wonderful piece from the Writing Tips newsletter published by write101.com:

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida.

Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass’ They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night — early birds. Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday, too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren. (Thanks to Joanna for passing this on.)

8-)

Godzilla vs. Catra

When I’m disheartened or brain-dead or just not sure what I’m up to doing (as has been happening a lot lately — post OryCon SAD, I guess), I waste some time on www.icanhascheezburger.com; I just love to aww and giggle at the kitties and the strange captions that humans give them. Today I discovered thelolcats.com; another fun place to upload your cat pictures. Some have captions, some don’t, but all are funny/cute/full of pathos, and fun to scan. And when I saw my favorite movie monster featured, I had to share!

Try to stay sane! 8-)

My Silly Brain

We have a Buffalo LinkTheater — a box that plays downloaded stuff from our laptops or from a hard drive. I personally think they gave the Buffalo a good name: it’s slow, ponderous, stubborn, and cranky. It never has gotten the remote computer stuff right (which is why we bought it its very own hard drive), and it chokes on half of the formats it’s supposed to play. We use it all the time, though — especially since our DVD player went hinky — but it does occasionally drive me nuts. So my silly brain started singing this the other day while waiting for it to boot . . . (blame the spellings in the second stanza on Bugs Bunny!)

Oh, give me a home
Where the Buffalo works
And all of our downloads will play

Where seldom is hoid
A four-letter woid
And the hard drive will read fast all day.

Home, Home on the Street
Where the Media Wall is complete
Where the Internet works
And we get all the perks
Of the Social ‘Net right in our seats!

And, to make up for that piece of tripe, a more “normal” joke that ran around one of my mailing lists:

A young man named John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said ‘I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.’

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued….

‘May I inquire as to what the turkey did?’ 8-)

More Friday Funnies from write101.com

Happy Halloween! I hope that you’re enjoying the holiday, with whatever meaning it has for you. I thought a couple of giggles might come in handy (non-holiday related):

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Antiques enthusiast Mary spent all her free time haunting second-hand stores, flea markets, and other likely spots where she might encounter the odd find: a valuable antique of some sort, whose seller was unaware of its value and was offering it for a low price.

On most of her expeditions she came up empty, but she enjoyed the thrill of the hunt and felt amply rewarded when she did manage to purchase a valuable old something-or-other from its unwitting seller.

On one such expedition, buried in the back of a thrift shop, Mary encountered a small, old-fashioned kerosene lighting device. Her heart leapt at the sight of it; she was sure it was worth considerably more than the dollar on the price tag.

Unfortunately, though, her newest find was infested with small albino insects that had jumped from the store’s feline. She bought it all the same, though.

Now Mary had a little lamp. Its fleas were white as snow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little old lady was selling sea shells on a street corner across from the beach one day.

A well-dressed man passed by her. She grabbed his arm and asked, “How about some nice seashells?”

“No, thank you,” the man replied.

Suddenly, the woman clutched her throat and fell to the pavement. “What’s wrong?” asked the man.

“I think this might be it for me,” the old woman whispered. “Please buy some of my seashells.”

Deeply touched, the man bought all her shells. He handed her the money. A moment later, she lay down on the sidewalk and her eyes slid peacefully shut.

The next day the man was walking down the same street and once again saw the woman vending her sea shells.

He walked up to a police officer. “I thought she passed away yesterday,” the man said. “I was here. I bought all her shells just before it happened!”

The officer smiled knowingly. “Ah, you were conned, my friend,” he replied. “You see, she sells seashells by the seizure.”

Is it from the Queen, or John Cleese? Revocation of Independence

I have no idea where this comes from. I found it on an internet marketing forum, and a search revealed nearly two million instances of the phrase “revocation of your independence, effective immediately.” If you know where this originated, I’d love to hear it, so I can attribute it properly. Till then, read and enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

REVOCATION OF AMERICAN STATE OF INDEPENDENCE

A message to the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your repetitive failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you actually noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it all along. The letter “U” will be reinstated in words such as “favour”, “colour” and “neighbour.” Likewise, you will learn to spell “doughnut” without skipping half the letters, and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise”.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”, if necessary.

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter “u” and the elimination of “ize”.

You will re-learn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not mature enough to handle firearms. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you’ll understand what we mean.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (the previously-used term “gasoline” will henceforth be taboo) – at roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick-cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine”, with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine”. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English roles. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in “Four Weddings and a Funeral” was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the “World Series” for a game which is not played outside of America. However, since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

New Weird Al Song!

Found out on FaceBook today that Weird Al Yankovic (I don’t know him well enough to call him “Al;” I just own everything he’s ever put out!) has a new song available! You can buy it from iTunes, or you can listen to it on YouTube here. The “video” part is a static picture, and the song is free! It’s called “Whatever You Like” and it’s about all the things that you might be able to afford to do nowadays, what with all that’s going on.

Reminds me of my “salad days” — you know, when all I could afford was lettuce? Back then, a typical dinner cost $0.50: ramen, $0.10; 1/4 lb. hamburger, $0.25; large handful of frozen veggies, $0.15. (“Typical?” Sadly, yes; I lived on cheap pasta and MSG. Might explain the diabetes, huh?) Nowadays, according to the house shopper (not me, thank the gods), ramen is $0.20, 1/4 lb of hamburger is $0.75, and the veggies are about the same; $1.10 for the same meal. I don’t know how people manage on minimum wage these days. Even mac & cheese has pretty much doubled in the last — how long has it been since I was on my own? You know, I’m not sure I want to type that in. Suffice to say, my remembered stories from Mom on “when I was your age” don’t sound so fictional any more . . .

Anyway — take a few minutes and give it a listen. Good stuff! 8-)

More Funny Stuff from Write101.com

This week’s infusion of funniness from Jennifer Stewart of write101.com:

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?”

“Twenty-six,” he said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When an applicant asked if the company had a fitness program, the human resources manager replied, “Oh, our employees don’t need one.

“They’re routinely jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, beating around the bush, running down the boss, going around in circles, dragging their feet, dodging responsibility, passing the buck, climbing the ladder, wading through paper work, pulling strings, throwing their weight around, stretching the truth, bending the rules, stabbing others in the back and pushing their luck!”

We love the Muppets, Don’t We?

The title line was said by Denis Leary in No Cure for Cancer. He dared to make a joke about Jim Henson’s funeral, and a hush fell over the room. But he’s right — for some of us, the Muppets are just too cool. Someone posted this video to YouTube, and I had to post it; and a YouTube search for “Muppets” shows that over 45,000 videos have been posted by fellow fans. Ain’t that great?

I read a news story recently about Disney revitalizing the Muppets. They bought the rights in 2004, let them sit for four years, and now they plan a big roll-out. If they had let them out occasionally, they wouldn’t need the big to-do; but there’s a generation of kids out there that doesn’t even recognize Kermit, and DIsney’s hand-sitting has cost them and the Muppets and the kids. Phooey. But bringing them back out is good; they should never go away. Enjoy the video!