Category Archives: Flotsam&Jetsam

Three Recipes: Pineapple Sour Cream Pie, Carrot Cookies, & Soft Ginger Cookies

By popular demand, I put my Mom’s pie recipe and Kat’s carrot cookie recipe, PLUS her soft ginger cookie recipe, on FaceBook. Then I decided, why not share? So here they are! Enjoy!

PINEAPPLE SOUR CREAM PIE
1 (5 1/2 oz.) pkg. Jello INSTANT vanilla pudding & pie filling
1 (8 oz.) can crushed pineapple, undrained
2 cups sour cream
1 tablespoon sugar
1 pie shell, baked & cooled

Combine pie filling mix, sour cream, sugar and pineapple with juice. Pour into pie shell. Chill about 3 hours. If desired, you may garnish with prepared whipped topping, additional pineapple and/or maraschino cherries.
NOTE: Do not overbeat. It is important to use the ingredients called for. Substitutions do not work well. (IIRC, Mom tried a cheaper pudding and it just didn’t work. –LJFW)

CARROT COOKIES
Ingredients
* 1 cup shortening
* 3/4 cup sugar
* 2 eggs
* 1 cup shredded carrots
* 2 cups all-purpose flour
* 2 teaspoons baking powder
* 1/2 teaspoon salt
* 2 teaspoons Ground Cinnamon
* 1/2 teaspoon Ground Nutmeg

In a mixing bowl, cream shortening and sugar. Add eggs; mix well. Stir in carrots. Combine the flour, baking powder and salt; gradually add to carrot mixture. Drop by rounded teaspoonfuls 2 in. apart onto ungreased baking sheets. Bake at 400 degrees F for 8-10 minutes or until lightly browned. Remove to wire racks to cool.

SOFT GINGER COOKIES
Ingredients
* 2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
* 2 teaspoons ground ginger
* 1 teaspoon baking soda
* 3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
* 1/2 teaspoon ground cloves
* 1/4 teaspoon salt
* 3/4 cup margarine, softened
* 1 cup white sugar
* 1 egg
* 1 tablespoon water or OJ
* 1/4 cup molasses
* 2 tablespoons white sugar

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Sift together the flour, ginger, baking soda, cinnamon, cloves, and salt. Set aside.
2. In a large bowl, cream together the margarine and 1 cup sugar until light and fluffy. Beat in the egg, then stir in the water and molasses. Gradually stir the sifted ingredients into the molasses mixture.
3. refrigerate dough 1 hr.
4. Shape dough into 3/4″ balls, and roll them in the remaining 2 tablespoons of sugar. Place the cookies 2 inches apart onto an ungreased cookie sheet, and flatten slightly.
5 Bake for 8 to 10 minutes in the preheated oven. Allow cookies to cool on baking sheet for 5 minutes before removing to a wire rack to cool completely. Store in an airtight container.

The Beer Prayer

(Found in a gift shop in Juneau, Alaska; it was so good that we bought the plastic sign because we’d never remember it otherwise!)

The Beer Prayer

Our lager, which art in barrels,
hallowed by thy fame.
Thy will be drunk, i will be drunk,
at home, as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our foamy head,
and forgive us our spillage,
as we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
but deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the ale, the pilsner, and the lager,
forever and ever.

Amen

8-)

Monkey Jokes!

Here are two more funny stories from www.write101.com:

NASA decided to send a shuttle into space with two monkeys and an astronaut. They trained them for months. Then when they thought they were ready, they placed all three in the shuttle and got ready to send them up into space.

As the moment came closer NASA’s mission control centre announced, “This is mission control to Monkey One. Initiate!”

At that the first monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle’s engines ignited and the shuttle took off.

Two hours later NASA’s mission control centre announced, “This is mission control to Monkey Two. Initiate!”

At that the second monkey started typing like mad and suddenly the shuttle separated from the empty fuel tanks.

Another two hours later mission control announced, “This is mission control to Astronaut…”

At this the astronaut responded, “I know, I know. Feed the monkeys and don’t touch anything.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A gorilla was walking through the jungle when he came across a deer eating grass in a clearing. The gorilla roared,” Who is the king of the jungle?”

The deer replied, “Oh, you are, Master.”

The gorilla walked off, pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. The gorilla roared, “Who is the king of the jungle?”

The zebra replied, “Oh, you are, Master.”

The gorilla walked off again, pleased. Then he came across an elephant, “Who is the king of the jungle?” he roared. With that, the elephant threw the gorilla across a tree and jumped on him.

The gorilla got up off the ground and said, “OK, OK, there’s no need to get mad just because you don’t know the answer.”

Tee hee hee. Have a great day! 8-)

An Old Favorite for a Weekend Giggle

Here’s another classic goodie from www.write101.com’s newsletter:

I halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plane lee marques four my revue
Miss steaks aye ken knot sea

Eye ran this poem threw it
Your sure reel glad two no
It’s vary polished in it’s weigh
My chequer tolled me sew

A chequer is a bless sing
It freeze yew lodes of thyme
It helps me awl stiles two reed
And aides mi when aye rime

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud
And wee mussed dew the best wee can
Sew flaws are knot aloud

And now bee cause my spelling
is checked with such grate flare
Their are know faults with in my cite
Of nun eye am a wear

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed to be a joule
The chequer poured o’er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule

That’s why aye brake in two averse
My righting wants too pleas
Sow now ewe sea wye aye dew prays
Such soft wear for pea seas
8-)

How I Spent My Holiday — “Grandpa Got Retarded”

Another wonderful piece from the Writing Tips newsletter published by write101.com:

After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida.

Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass’ They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts.

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night — early birds. Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday, too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren. (Thanks to Joanna for passing this on.)

8-)

Cold Veggie Pizza Recipe

At the family gathering for Christmas, my sister-in-law showed up with “veggie pizza.” It’s tough to describe, but it’s delicious, and so much cooler than trying to wander around with a plate of veggie bits and dabs of ranch dressing. I asked her for the recipe, and this is what she sent:

Veggie Pizza

2 pkg cresent rolls (you bake kind)
3/4 c mayo
1 pkg dry ranch mix (your choice of flavor)
11oz cream cheese
veggies of your choice chopped
1/2 c. each kind of cheese, cheddar and jack shredded and mixed together (I cheat and buy predone)

Unroll and connect all cresents together on baking sheet and bake following package instructions. Cool. Mix all other ingredients except veggies and cheese, spread on baked crust. Chop up veggies and spread on dressing layer. Add cheese. Press all layers together and either put in fridge or serve.

Enjoy!!

My Silly Brain

We have a Buffalo LinkTheater — a box that plays downloaded stuff from our laptops or from a hard drive. I personally think they gave the Buffalo a good name: it’s slow, ponderous, stubborn, and cranky. It never has gotten the remote computer stuff right (which is why we bought it its very own hard drive), and it chokes on half of the formats it’s supposed to play. We use it all the time, though — especially since our DVD player went hinky — but it does occasionally drive me nuts. So my silly brain started singing this the other day while waiting for it to boot . . . (blame the spellings in the second stanza on Bugs Bunny!)

Oh, give me a home
Where the Buffalo works
And all of our downloads will play

Where seldom is hoid
A four-letter woid
And the hard drive will read fast all day.

Home, Home on the Street
Where the Media Wall is complete
Where the Internet works
And we get all the perks
Of the Social ‘Net right in our seats!

And, to make up for that piece of tripe, a more “normal” joke that ran around one of my mailing lists:

A young man named John received a parrot as an early Christmas gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.

The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and shoved him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said ‘I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.’

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued….

‘May I inquire as to what the turkey did?’ 8-)

Don’t Quit!

Don’t Quit (Poem)
Source Unknown

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit –
Rest if you must, but don’t you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a fellow turns about
When he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don’t give up though the pace seems slow –
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor’s cup;
And he learned too late
when the night came down
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out –
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar,
So stick to the light when you’re hardest hit –
It’s when things seem worst that you mustn’t quit.

More Friday Funnies from write101.com

Happy Halloween! I hope that you’re enjoying the holiday, with whatever meaning it has for you. I thought a couple of giggles might come in handy (non-holiday related):

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Antiques enthusiast Mary spent all her free time haunting second-hand stores, flea markets, and other likely spots where she might encounter the odd find: a valuable antique of some sort, whose seller was unaware of its value and was offering it for a low price.

On most of her expeditions she came up empty, but she enjoyed the thrill of the hunt and felt amply rewarded when she did manage to purchase a valuable old something-or-other from its unwitting seller.

On one such expedition, buried in the back of a thrift shop, Mary encountered a small, old-fashioned kerosene lighting device. Her heart leapt at the sight of it; she was sure it was worth considerably more than the dollar on the price tag.

Unfortunately, though, her newest find was infested with small albino insects that had jumped from the store’s feline. She bought it all the same, though.

Now Mary had a little lamp. Its fleas were white as snow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little old lady was selling sea shells on a street corner across from the beach one day.

A well-dressed man passed by her. She grabbed his arm and asked, “How about some nice seashells?”

“No, thank you,” the man replied.

Suddenly, the woman clutched her throat and fell to the pavement. “What’s wrong?” asked the man.

“I think this might be it for me,” the old woman whispered. “Please buy some of my seashells.”

Deeply touched, the man bought all her shells. He handed her the money. A moment later, she lay down on the sidewalk and her eyes slid peacefully shut.

The next day the man was walking down the same street and once again saw the woman vending her sea shells.

He walked up to a police officer. “I thought she passed away yesterday,” the man said. “I was here. I bought all her shells just before it happened!”

The officer smiled knowingly. “Ah, you were conned, my friend,” he replied. “You see, she sells seashells by the seizure.”